11 Months

With my pregnancy hormones in full swing, this has proven to be a very difficult month for me as I find myself just one month away from the time we lost our Lily, as well as the time we will meet our second daughter. It seems strangely conincidental that the timing of the one year anniversary of Lily's death is so close to the pending birth of our baby girl, who is due to arrive just a week and a half after Lily's delivery date.
Over the course of this last month, the realization that June may be an overwhelming month for me is an understatement. Although this pregnancy has gone by fairly quickly for me, especially once we were reassured that our baby appeared healthy, the realness of another delivery is upon me and has hit me hard. Once I hit the 30 week milestone in my pregnancy, I was immediately overwhelmed by emotion. I found myself fearing the worst possible outcome, and thinking about it at the most random times. It could be that I would remember pieces of another mother's tragic story of loss or that I would hear lyrics in a song that made me think of Lily, and next thing I knew, I was wiping away tears as I drove myself to work or to pick Owen up from daycare. These moments almost always hit me when I am alone, which always seems to be when I'm in the car. I am 35 weeks pregnant now, and thankfully, some of this has eased up a little.
Over the next 5 weeks, I anticipate many more ups and downs, waves of irrational fear, and emotional meltdowns. It was during this time in my pregnancy with Owen that I began to fear the labor and delivery process. I wondered how bad it would be, how much it would hurt, and how strong I would be. After experiencing the physical pain of labor and the emotional pain of delivering my deceased child, I now know how strong I am. That is no longer in question.
In preparing for my third delivery, I fear how healthy my child will be and if anything will go wrong during delivery that could jeopardize her health or her life. I realize that the statistics are in my favor, and the chances of something going wrong are slim; however, I also know what the statistics were that Lily would have Trisomy 18,and I never would have guessed that my family would be a part of that very small number, so I know that anything is possible.
I spent the majority of Mother's Day alone with my son, yet surrounded by all three of my children. I thought for a moment about the fact that while Owen was here with me, Lily was here in spirit, and our newest miracle was in my womb. They each consumed me physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout the day, and I was full of gratitude. I kept myself busy, and tried not to focus too much on the fact that it was pretty quiet and peaceful with only one child to play with instead of two.
My husband recently pointed out that I have been pregnant now for 13 out of the last 16 months. I thought about this a lot on Mother's Day, and realized that the experience of growing and nurturing your child while patiently anticipating their arrival into your world is the best gift you could ever have on Mother's Day, and I have been blessed to experience this feeling three times. What an amazing gift.
As I remind myself of my pregnancy mantra...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God... my fear disipates and I am full of HoPE.