Caring Bridge

As promised here is the link to Ainsley's caring bridge page. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ainsleyholder

Update on Ainsley

I have one of my favorite bible verses posted at the top of this blog, and I think of it often when I think about our experience with Lily: He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. I always thought about how this verse spoke directly to me, and I found comfort in those words because God has healed and continues to heal my hurting heart. Until the last couple of weeks, though, I never thought about these words as literally as I do now. I've written about our youngest daughter, Ainsley's, heart condition, and I last gave an update 6 months ago in December. We were so relieved after her last appointment with her cardiologist when the hole in her heart was closing and was posing no imminent risk to our baby girl. We rested comfortably knowing that surgery was not in our baby girl's future. I recently took Ainsley back to her cardiologist for a 6 month follow up assuming that the good news would continue and that I would be able to say goodbye to her cardiologist forever, but her appointment did not go that way. I heard the words "unfortunately" (which is never a good thing coming from a doctor), "leak", "further testing", and "open heart surgery". I left that office with my baby girl in my arms feeling defeated. As I was walking out of the office, I let myself go to a place in my mind that I wish I didn't...I felt a pang of deja-vu. Two years ago, I received the lowest blow, the worst news ever in a doctor's office located just a block away on the same street where I was at this moment. I can't drive by that office or even be in the town of Annapolis without thinking about that. That day, I walked down the hallway of the medical complex and thought "here we go again". What is it about this town and these appointments? Haven't I been through enough? Why am I being punished like this? Why is my baby being punished? Why does my innocent baby have to go through this? I don't know if I can handle this. How will I ever be able to get through this? How will I be strong enough to help my daughter get through this? These thoughts resonated in my mind for a couple of minutes before I managed to pull myself together. Through everything that I went through after Lily's death, I never once questioned God's will for me and my family. I never questioned His purpose, His plan, or His faithfulness. I never asked "why me?" because I knew that God's plan for me and my baby was perfect. I confess that the thoughts that I had as I left this appointment with Ainsley are thoughts that I never wish to have again. Just writing them makes me cringe because I know that in those moments I questioned God's will for me and for my daughter. For those couple of minutes, I challenged Him, and I felt bitter and angry. Although, I was able to slip back to a place of reason and faith, I got a little glimpse of the other side. I felt what it is like to lose faith, and it was not pretty, not even for a minute. As I drove home that day with my baby in the backseat completely unaware of her fate, I remembered the verse: He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. And, just like that, I felt peace. She will be okay. I will be okay. Our family will get through this. It was not in our plan, or our desire, but it will serve a purpose, and I will try my best to glorify God as His purpose for me gets clearer and clearer. Our baby may have a broken heart, but thankfully, I know the One who can heal her, and I have faith that He will. If you are interested in reading more detail about Ainsley's heart condition or following our journey, I am in the process of creating a Caring Bridge page for her. I will post the link to her page once I publish it. In the meantime, we would greatly appreciate prayer for our baby girl and our family during this time.