This week marked the transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas, and I was surprisingly hit with feelings of grief while we celebrated such happy occassions. Of course, I continue to think about Lily consistently, probably still on a daily basis to some degree, but this past week, she was ever-present in my thoughts, and it finally all hit me Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving.
We started pulling out our Christmas decorations, and we were optimistically trying to have our Christmas tree up and decorated by the time we left for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday afternoon. We were ahead of schedule, as the process of putting up the tree and untangling the lights went much smoother than in years past. I always enjoy putting the ornaments on the tree as I have so many that are special to me. Not only is Christmas a time when feelings of grief may be stirred up naturally, but since Lily died in June, December is a 6 month mark, which feels noteworthy to me. This will be our 2nd Christmas without her, and it will mark the one and a half year mark since we last saw her. We have accumulated a handful of Christmas ornaments dedicated to Lily, and I cherish each one of them.
Our hospital's STAR program has given us two glass star ornaments. We received one of them before we left the hospital following Lily's delivery in June, and the other one was given to us at the Christmas memorial service last year. A friend of ours made an ornament for Lily last year that we were able to use in our family Christams pictures last year to remember her. I smiled immediately when I saw that one, and my heart was full of gratitude and appreciation for the thought that went into that. My mom gave us an "Always Remembered" Hallmark ornament last year. My family loves Hallmark ornaments, and each member of the family receives a special ornament from my mom every year. I love that Lily could be included in that tradition. Finally, the funeral home that we used for Lily's cremation offered ornaments to the families who had lost a loved one within that year. It is a dove with a banner that reads "Lily Grace".
I strategically placed the Hallmark ornament and the two star ornaments near the top of the tree to reduce the risk of my son taking them off or breaking them. Since the handmade ornament is not breakable, it was given prime real estate, in the front and center of our tree. When I got to the dove from the funeral home, I hesitated. As I placed it closer to the top on the side of the tree, I couldn't help but think that never in a million years did I think that I would be putting an ornament from a funeral home on my Christmas tree. Ugh- did I really want to include this on our tree? I took it back off, and considered it again. Do I really want this reminder? Of a funeral home? At the risk of sounding snooty, it looks kind of cheap and like something you might imagine would come from a funeral home. Although I never would have imagined ornaments coming from funeral homes in the first place, but you get my point. It's a little weird. I decided that I did want to include it after all, and while it may seem strange to have this on our tree, it is what it is. This has been our journey, and this is our life. Funeral home and all.
While the tree decorating was in full swing Wednesday night, I kept checking my computer for news from friends of ours who are expecting their first baby, and we couldn't be happier for them!! She has been eagerly waiting for her sonogram appointment to learn the gender of their new bundle of joy, and I was anxious to hear their news. I have been really excited for her, and I don't know if I realized it, but I guess I had been a little anxious, and maybe even worried for them.
I remember being so excited to find out if Lily was the little girl that we were praying for, but I never really wondered if she would be healthy. I just assumed she was. I feared for this couple who so obviously want this child. I hate that fear comes to my mind at times like this. I wish I could just be excited and positive, but it was this same 18 week sonogram appointment for us that forever changed our world, and anytime I know of someone going to a similar appointment, I try my best to act like I'm excited about their baby's gender, but really, I'm more excited to hear that their baby is healthy. I often wonder how another couple would deal with a tragedy if they were faced with the same situation we were. I know first-hand how devastating it is to go through, and I certainly don't wish that on anyone, especially people we know and care about. It's just something I often consider. I had been praying for my friend from the time I found out about her pregnancy. I realized just how anxious I was for her when I caught myself checking my computer for about the third time. What is my problem??! Between staring at Lily's ornaments and rearranging them on my tree, and checking my friend's facebook status, I was driving myself crazy. After moving the cheap looking funeral home dove for the third time, there was finally a new post... They were expecting a "HEALTHY baby GIRL"!!!
I couldn't be happier for them!! But, then, why do I feel like I'm about to cry...My husband noticed my emotion, and for the first time in a long time, we talked about Lily with each other. It was the way she capitalized those two words in her status update that hit me the hardest.
It was good to talk about her out loud. I think about her a lot, and continue to write about her (although not everything I write makes it to the blog), but we don't often talk about her. The holidays are always a special time for our family, and may always bring up these feelings as I wish that she were here to celebrate with us.
Overall, it turned out to be a very productive evening. The tree got done. We shared our friend's joy, via facebook. Most importantly, we remembered our daughter. What a great way to celebrate the night before Thanksgiving!
