19 weeks and 3 days on a Sunday...again

Today, I am 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was exactly 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant with Lily when she left the safety of my body and went to the glory of heaven. Last night, I kept thinking about that since I was in labor at the hospital at that point in my pregnancy with Lily. It would have been at 3:25 this morning that she was born, also on a Sunday. I woke up a few times throughout the night last night thinking about it. I've thought about it all day today. I've anticipated having these reminiscent thoughts on June 6, which will mark the one year anniversary of our baby's death. It has come as a surprise to me to have these feelings now, on a random cold day in January, but obviously this pregnancy has brought up a range of emotions that I experienced throughout my pregnancy with Lily.

I realized that our newest miracle is now older than Lily will ever be. I can no longer compare this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Lily because I stopped being pregnant at this point, so prematurely. I almost feel like I am leaving her behind. I've read many blogs of women who have gotten pregnant after the loss of a baby, and it seems that feelings of guilt are not that uncommon. I can't say that I feel guilty for being pregnant with this baby, but I do often wonder if this child would have ever been a part of our lives if Lily were here with us. It is a strange feeling. I want to love all of my children equally and unconditionally, and I believe that this child is a blessing and a miracle because Lily's life and death allowed her to be a part of our lives at this time.

I remember how unnatural it felt to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant with a swollen belly, walking into the hospital feeling as if I were facing my own death, then leaving not pregnant anymore. I sometimes wonder how I ever made it through that experience. I talked to myself trying to convince myself that I was strong enough and brave enough. I remember thinking that I wasn't emotionally prepared to be in labor that soon. I was only half way there. I can't imagine being in labor today because I should still have 20 weeks to prepare myself. In addition to the odd pregnancy dreams that are to be expected, I dream often about going into early labor and giving birth to a baby who has prematurely passed away.

I pray every week for God's will to be done as He sees fit, but meanwhile I selfishly hope for at least one more week with my child in my womb. The weeks have slowly added up, but I still have nearly 20 more to go, and that's a lot. What would have been the final 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Lily were spent grieving. At times it felt like time stood still, while other times, I couldn't believe how quickly my due date came and went. I have prayed more for my unborn child during this pregnancy than I did with either of my previous pregnancies, and it has brought me much needed peace, especially when I'm 19 weeks and 3 days.