Today, I am 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was exactly 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant with Lily when she left the safety of my body and went to the glory of heaven. Last night, I kept thinking about that since I was in labor at the hospital at that point in my pregnancy with Lily. It would have been at 3:25 this morning that she was born, also on a Sunday. I woke up a few times throughout the night last night thinking about it. I've thought about it all day today. I've anticipated having these reminiscent thoughts on June 6, which will mark the one year anniversary of our baby's death. It has come as a surprise to me to have these feelings now, on a random cold day in January, but obviously this pregnancy has brought up a range of emotions that I experienced throughout my pregnancy with Lily.
I realized that our newest miracle is now older than Lily will ever be. I can no longer compare this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Lily because I stopped being pregnant at this point, so prematurely. I almost feel like I am leaving her behind. I've read many blogs of women who have gotten pregnant after the loss of a baby, and it seems that feelings of guilt are not that uncommon. I can't say that I feel guilty for being pregnant with this baby, but I do often wonder if this child would have ever been a part of our lives if Lily were here with us. It is a strange feeling. I want to love all of my children equally and unconditionally, and I believe that this child is a blessing and a miracle because Lily's life and death allowed her to be a part of our lives at this time.
I remember how unnatural it felt to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant with a swollen belly, walking into the hospital feeling as if I were facing my own death, then leaving not pregnant anymore. I sometimes wonder how I ever made it through that experience. I talked to myself trying to convince myself that I was strong enough and brave enough. I remember thinking that I wasn't emotionally prepared to be in labor that soon. I was only half way there. I can't imagine being in labor today because I should still have 20 weeks to prepare myself. In addition to the odd pregnancy dreams that are to be expected, I dream often about going into early labor and giving birth to a baby who has prematurely passed away.
I pray every week for God's will to be done as He sees fit, but meanwhile I selfishly hope for at least one more week with my child in my womb. The weeks have slowly added up, but I still have nearly 20 more to go, and that's a lot. What would have been the final 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Lily were spent grieving. At times it felt like time stood still, while other times, I couldn't believe how quickly my due date came and went. I have prayed more for my unborn child during this pregnancy than I did with either of my previous pregnancies, and it has brought me much needed peace, especially when I'm 19 weeks and 3 days.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
18 weeks
I've been thinking a lot about Lily the last couple of weeks. I was 18 weeks pregnant with her when we learned the devastating news of her condition. I am 18 weeks pregnant with her sister now. It feels like a major emotional milestone for me to be at this point. Sometimes I perceive that others compare Lily's death to an early pregnancy miscarriage. I don't think of it that way at all. Not to minimize a miscarriage because I am certain that it is equally as devastating to lose a baby earlier in the pregnancy, but I didn't lose an embryo or just a fetus. I lost my daughter.
If you could see me now, you couldn't deny that I am growing a life in my womb. My pregnant belly is quite obvious. I can't disregard my daughter's existence merely because she has not been developing for 40 weeks. During these 18 weeks, she has grown limbs, fingers, toes, ears, eyes, a mouth, a nose, a brain, a heart, a stomach, kidneys, and the many other parts that make her human. She is here now, and I am remembering my feelings of guilt following that very memorable doctor's appointment during my pregnany with Lily. This time, I am reminding myself how fortunate I am to have had the last 18 weeks with my daughter. This time, I am embracing each day and each week as it comes, and feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
I still wonder what things would have been like had Lily been a healthy baby girl. Obviously, I will never have the opportunity to have the answer to that, but I do know how my life has been blessed and enriched as a result of her 19 weeks of life, and this week, during my 18th week of pregnancy, I'm thinking of her a lot.
If you could see me now, you couldn't deny that I am growing a life in my womb. My pregnant belly is quite obvious. I can't disregard my daughter's existence merely because she has not been developing for 40 weeks. During these 18 weeks, she has grown limbs, fingers, toes, ears, eyes, a mouth, a nose, a brain, a heart, a stomach, kidneys, and the many other parts that make her human. She is here now, and I am remembering my feelings of guilt following that very memorable doctor's appointment during my pregnany with Lily. This time, I am reminding myself how fortunate I am to have had the last 18 weeks with my daughter. This time, I am embracing each day and each week as it comes, and feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
I still wonder what things would have been like had Lily been a healthy baby girl. Obviously, I will never have the opportunity to have the answer to that, but I do know how my life has been blessed and enriched as a result of her 19 weeks of life, and this week, during my 18th week of pregnancy, I'm thinking of her a lot.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
7 months and birthday cake
For the most part, I happily welcomed the new year this year. I've never really been one to get too excited about a new year. I'm not big on new year's resolutions or the idea of starting a new year fresh. I like to think of each day as a fresh start, no matter what year it is. This year was a little different. 2010 was not my best year, although, it also happens to be one I never want to forget. So, to see it come to an end was bittersweet.
We had a wonderful Christmas with our son despite the obvious hole in our family. Our son seems to understand the meaning of Christmas, which makes me proud. He knows that Christmas is Jesus' birthday, although he kept asking where Jesus is and whether there would be birthday cake involved. This gave us the opportunity to have an incredible conversation a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that Jesus is in his heart, but that didn't seem to satisfy his curious little mind. I went on to talk about Jesus being in heaven, and this intrigued him. His interest in heaven compelled me to share that Jesus is in heaven with Lily. I've been thinking more and more lately about how and when the time would be right to tell him about Lily, and now that he is aware that he will be having a baby sister, I'm thinking about it even more because I want him to know that she is not his only baby sister. Before Lily died, he was aware that there was a baby in my belly, and he had decided on his own that it was a girl. I've wondered recently if he thinks I am carrying the same baby that we've made mention to for nearly a year. I certainly don't want to confuse him by saying more than he can comprehend, but I also don't want to dismiss the life that she had when he was so aware of it. I have pointed out that his baby sister, Lily, is in heaven with Jesus, and his other baby sister is in my belly getting big and strong just to make sure he isn't confusing the two.
Who knew that the explanation about the meaning of Christmas would open the door to talk to my two year old about Lily. I had a feeling that when the time was right to talk to him about her, I would know it, and I'm so glad that it happened that way. It was heart warming to look into his big blue eyes as he listened very intently and nodded his head as I talked. He even asked to pray for Lily that night, which was incredibly touching since his recent prayer requests have been for things like the characters from Madagascar and Cars.
So, if Lily and Jesus were in heaven together on Jesus' birthday, do you think they shared birthday cake?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
6 Months
Six months is a long time. It is half of an entire year. It is longer than I was even pregnant with Lily, but not long enough to forget any bit of it.
Duran and I recently went to a memorial service that our hospital coordinates every year in December to remember the babies who have gone before us. It was an overwhelming experience for me. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, but I was surprised at the number of families who all joined together in a quaint little church to light candles for their babies. Although we didn't know the majority of the people there, it was somewhat comforting to be in a room full of people who have also experienced the grief and sorrow associated with saying goodbye to a baby before their life has even begun. We chose to light a candle for our Lily, which felt really good to have a solid and tangible reminder that she was here just six months ago and that she had life.
Obviously, we don't want to only remember Lily at Christmastime, but this annual service was a great opportunity to carve out a special time in the midst of this busy season to stop and think about only her. No distractions. No thoughts of shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, etc. In fact, it is during the busiest times that I want to think about her the most. I want to push pause on the lists and the plans, and remember my daughter because that brings me peace. You see, it doesn't always make me sad to think about her. Most of the time, I feel joy and peace. I feel whole. So, six months after kissing my daughter goodbye, I've realized that not only has she taught me what is most important in life, but she really is my angel. I have reiterated a number times that her life had purpose, and the more time goes on, the more defined this becomes. One definition in my dictionary for the word angel is "a guardian spirit or guiding influence". She keeps me grounded and focused. She gives me direction and purpose. She has been the "influence" I never knew I needed.
Duran and I recently went to a memorial service that our hospital coordinates every year in December to remember the babies who have gone before us. It was an overwhelming experience for me. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, but I was surprised at the number of families who all joined together in a quaint little church to light candles for their babies. Although we didn't know the majority of the people there, it was somewhat comforting to be in a room full of people who have also experienced the grief and sorrow associated with saying goodbye to a baby before their life has even begun. We chose to light a candle for our Lily, which felt really good to have a solid and tangible reminder that she was here just six months ago and that she had life.
Obviously, we don't want to only remember Lily at Christmastime, but this annual service was a great opportunity to carve out a special time in the midst of this busy season to stop and think about only her. No distractions. No thoughts of shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, etc. In fact, it is during the busiest times that I want to think about her the most. I want to push pause on the lists and the plans, and remember my daughter because that brings me peace. You see, it doesn't always make me sad to think about her. Most of the time, I feel joy and peace. I feel whole. So, six months after kissing my daughter goodbye, I've realized that not only has she taught me what is most important in life, but she really is my angel. I have reiterated a number times that her life had purpose, and the more time goes on, the more defined this becomes. One definition in my dictionary for the word angel is "a guardian spirit or guiding influence". She keeps me grounded and focused. She gives me direction and purpose. She has been the "influence" I never knew I needed.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Deja-Vu....but much much better!!!
We made yet another trip to Annapolis yesterday. We went there to meet with Melissa, our genetic counselor, and Dr. Sweeney, the doctor who diagnosed Lily. This trip served a different purpose than the original trip, but in some ways felt the same. I didn't surround myself with tear filled tissues in the car on the way there this time. I intentionally tried to create a calm environment and I chose to spend the drive time reading my bible and talking to my husband without distractions (which doesn't happen real often). As we got closer and closer to our destination, I could feel knots in my stomach as my anxiety increased. I tried to calm myself down as best I could, and I walked into that office feeling an overwhelming sense of deja-vu. I reminded myself that we were there for a different reason this time, and that hopefully this visit would not result in devastating news.
A couple of months ago, we learned that Lily is a big sister! This was actually quite a surprise to us, and yet, another reminder that God is always in control. He knew that the time was right for us to have this experience, and I have tried to embrace His plan wholeheartedly. We obviously want for our family to grow and we have been beyond thrilled, but also, terrified. I've never experienced such mixed feelings as I have over the last couple of months. I had never felt this kind of worry and anxiety with my last two pregnancies. I was blissfully ignorant to the possibilities in the past. I wish I could feel that way again. Naturally, we couldn't wait to see Dr. Sweeney again to, hopefully, get some reassurance that all is well so that I could calm down.
The 40 minute wait to be seen felt like an eternity, and I couldn't help but notice a sign in the lobby that apologized for the long wait and explained that the providers in this particular office are often delivering news that their patients may need extra time to digest. I was brought back to our experience receiving news like this the last time we were here, and I definitely appreciated being given what felt like all the time in the world with our doctor, so I guess I could respect the wait time. I didn't really have a choice anyway.
We finally met with Melissa, then Dr. Sweeney. I can't say enough great things about each of them. They have both been so wonderful with us, and always very respectful, patient, and thorough. This experience was no different. Dr. Sweeney spent a great deal of time with us, and was very careful to share every detail that he could at this point. He assured us that everything looks "perfect", which instantly brought tears to eyes. I can't seem to make a trip to Annapolis without crying, but this time, I cried tears of relief, not despair.
Dr. Sweney told us that he always feels worried and nervous about "appointments like this" after the "disaster" we had last time, but that he was extrememly pleased with what he saw. This is the first time I have disagreed with him. I do not believe that our last pregnancy was a disaster. I prefer to think of it as a blessing, although I recognize that it was anything but perfect, medically speaking. Either way, I appreciate all that he has done for us and all that he promises to do this time. It looks like we will be making a trip to Annapolis every month to continue to monitor the baby.
I certainly don't want to spend too much time using Lily's blog to talk about this pregnancy, but it really has made me think even more about her and my pregnancy with her. This baby will never take her place. Whatever transpires over the next six months is outside of my control, and in the hands of the One I trust and rely on most. I will continue to seek peace and comfort on a daily basis because I know that is what He wants for me.
I was reminded of this bible verse last Sunday in church and used it to ease my mind in the car yesterday.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
This will be my mantra.
A couple of months ago, we learned that Lily is a big sister! This was actually quite a surprise to us, and yet, another reminder that God is always in control. He knew that the time was right for us to have this experience, and I have tried to embrace His plan wholeheartedly. We obviously want for our family to grow and we have been beyond thrilled, but also, terrified. I've never experienced such mixed feelings as I have over the last couple of months. I had never felt this kind of worry and anxiety with my last two pregnancies. I was blissfully ignorant to the possibilities in the past. I wish I could feel that way again. Naturally, we couldn't wait to see Dr. Sweeney again to, hopefully, get some reassurance that all is well so that I could calm down.
The 40 minute wait to be seen felt like an eternity, and I couldn't help but notice a sign in the lobby that apologized for the long wait and explained that the providers in this particular office are often delivering news that their patients may need extra time to digest. I was brought back to our experience receiving news like this the last time we were here, and I definitely appreciated being given what felt like all the time in the world with our doctor, so I guess I could respect the wait time. I didn't really have a choice anyway.
We finally met with Melissa, then Dr. Sweeney. I can't say enough great things about each of them. They have both been so wonderful with us, and always very respectful, patient, and thorough. This experience was no different. Dr. Sweeney spent a great deal of time with us, and was very careful to share every detail that he could at this point. He assured us that everything looks "perfect", which instantly brought tears to eyes. I can't seem to make a trip to Annapolis without crying, but this time, I cried tears of relief, not despair.
Dr. Sweney told us that he always feels worried and nervous about "appointments like this" after the "disaster" we had last time, but that he was extrememly pleased with what he saw. This is the first time I have disagreed with him. I do not believe that our last pregnancy was a disaster. I prefer to think of it as a blessing, although I recognize that it was anything but perfect, medically speaking. Either way, I appreciate all that he has done for us and all that he promises to do this time. It looks like we will be making a trip to Annapolis every month to continue to monitor the baby.
I certainly don't want to spend too much time using Lily's blog to talk about this pregnancy, but it really has made me think even more about her and my pregnancy with her. This baby will never take her place. Whatever transpires over the next six months is outside of my control, and in the hands of the One I trust and rely on most. I will continue to seek peace and comfort on a daily basis because I know that is what He wants for me.
I was reminded of this bible verse last Sunday in church and used it to ease my mind in the car yesterday.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
This will be my mantra.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
It's the holiday season
The transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas seemed to happen at super speed this year!! I'm still spending my days focusing on all that I have to be grateful for as the world around me shifts their focus from gratitude to santa and their own personal Christmas wishes. Now, don't get the wrong idea. It's not that I'm not in the holiday spirit, but I find that each year brings me closer and closer to the real meaning of Christmas, which naturally draws me further away from the commercialized interpretation of the season.
So, before I get too far off of my original intention for the entry, I'd like to take a moment to review all that I have to be thankful for this year, which, I'd like to point out, are definitely not listed in order of importance.
* being able to spend another year with our precious son
* the overwhelming joy of a second pregnancy
* the excitement of feeling like our hopes & dreams were coming true
* meeting our daughter
* re-establishing my purpose in life
* recognizing new ways that I can reach out & help others through my experience
* a brand new emphasis on my faith
* learning the real meaning of peace
* developing humility in the face of tragedy
* a constant reminder of God's ability to heal and comfort
* learning to accept the things I cannot change
* being able to share my story
* having hope for the future
I am in a place now where I can recognize that it is possible to move forward after a tragedy. It is possible to have hope and positivity again. I am thankful for that this year.
So, before I get too far off of my original intention for the entry, I'd like to take a moment to review all that I have to be thankful for this year, which, I'd like to point out, are definitely not listed in order of importance.
* being able to spend another year with our precious son
* the overwhelming joy of a second pregnancy
* the excitement of feeling like our hopes & dreams were coming true
* meeting our daughter
* re-establishing my purpose in life
* recognizing new ways that I can reach out & help others through my experience
* a brand new emphasis on my faith
* learning the real meaning of peace
* developing humility in the face of tragedy
* a constant reminder of God's ability to heal and comfort
* learning to accept the things I cannot change
* being able to share my story
* having hope for the future
I am in a place now where I can recognize that it is possible to move forward after a tragedy. It is possible to have hope and positivity again. I am thankful for that this year.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
STAR group
Tonight will be the first STAR group meeting! I couldn't be happier that the hospital has been able to accomodate the start of this group again after taking a little break from it. I am hopeful that those who choose to come tonight will feel supported and understood. And, of course, I am looking forward to a good excuse to talk about my little angel. Naturally, I'll post an update to debrief about my experience a little later.
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