6 Months

Six months is a long time. It is half of an entire year. It is longer than I was even pregnant with Lily, but not long enough to forget any bit of it.

Duran and I recently went to a memorial service that our hospital coordinates every year in December to remember the babies who have gone before us. It was an overwhelming experience for me. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, but I was surprised at the number of families who all joined together in a quaint little church to light candles for their babies. Although we didn't know the majority of the people there, it was somewhat comforting to be in a room full of people who have also experienced the grief and sorrow associated with saying goodbye to a baby before their life has even begun. We chose to light a candle for our Lily, which felt really good to have a solid and tangible reminder that she was here just six months ago and that she had life.

Obviously, we don't want to only remember Lily at Christmastime, but this annual service was a great opportunity to carve out a special time in the midst of this busy season to stop and think about only her. No distractions. No thoughts of shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, etc. In fact, it is during the busiest times that I want to think about her the most. I want to push pause on the lists and the plans, and remember my daughter because that brings me peace. You see, it doesn't always make me sad to think about her. Most of the time, I feel joy and peace. I feel whole. So, six months after kissing my daughter goodbye, I've realized that not only has she taught me what is most important in life, but she really is my angel. I have reiterated a number times that her life had purpose, and the more time goes on, the more defined this becomes. One definition in my dictionary for the word angel is "a guardian spirit or guiding influence". She keeps me grounded and focused. She gives me direction and purpose. She has been the "influence" I never knew I needed.