From "with child" to "with grief"

I can only equate my grief with the worst kind of roller coaster ride. I actually love roller coasters, but I feel like I've been riding on one that is too jumpy or jerky, and with too many twists and turns, or maybe it's more like that feeling you get when you've gone on too many rides too close together after eating some really gross and greasy amusement park food. Okay, you get the point. It's bad. It's hard to keep up from day to day. I had a few really good days, then I had an awful day. One day last week was so bad that I couldn't even bring myself to compose words. I tried to write, but nothing came out. I found a website devoted to blogs written by those who have lost a baby. I read other women's blogs for hours that night. I cried most of the night, and stayed up way too late. I suffered the next day at work, and even shed tears that day in my office. (Thanks to one of my co-workers, I wasn't completely alone) This is really, really hard.

I know that this happens way too often, and that other women can relate to my story in some ways, but it is still amazing to me to read that another woman out there actually shares my exact thoughts and feelings. One particular blog entry really hit home. This mother lost her baby at 25 weeks. This is an excerpt from her blog:

"Sometimes its like I'm pregnant with your memory--I can no more put you down and walk away from you than when you were safe inside me. I can't feel your kicks in my belly anymore; now you kick in my heart. You're here but you're gone and you're never coming back."

It's crazy to me that I can feel so alone in this process, then read something like this that strikes so close to home. Is it possible that other people really know how this feels?

Although I feel much emptier now than I did when I was carrying Lily, in some ways I do feel "pregnant" with grief. My grief temporarily is defining me; it is all I can think about. Sometimes, it is all I want to talk about. Other women who have experienced grief like this can relate, but those who haven't may try to understand, but they really don't. I am seven weeks pregnant with grief. In a typical pregnancy, seven weeks is just the beginning. I fear that this is just the beginning for me too. No matter what I do, I cannot separate myself from it. I cannot decide to not carry this with me today; it is here to stay. At times, it is so uncomfortable that it causes me physical pain.

I can't seem to get my mind off of everything to do with little girls. Hair bows, summer dresses, tutus, tights, even those cute bathing suits with ruffles. I see little girls everywhere I go, and they are all so beautiful. Just seven weeks ago, I had dreams of brushing my daughter's hair, painting her nails pink, taking her to dance class,and teaching her how to use make-up. Now, I have dreams about how she felt in my arms on the one and only day that I was able to see her and hold her. I dream about her tiny hands and feet, and the peaceful expression on her face.

Usually things get easier after the first trimester. I hope that will hold true for this "pregnancy" as well.